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How to continue being unselfish while standing up for your own time
Between the two of us, we may know a friend who calls us up to ask,
“What are you up to today?”
And then in that same breath asks you to stand by your door so they can pick you up.
Where will you be going? Anywhere! But your friend mentions, “I do have to stop by the hair stylist though.”
If you had been on one of her “errands” before, you know that the hair stylist often takes up 2 hours of your day, but now that you’re wrapped up in going, you can’t say anything more.
Why not?
Maybe you don’t want to disappoint her, maybe your friend has had a rough upbringing and needs emotional support every now and then, or maybe you just don’t know how to say no — these are what I’ve concluded with when it came to my experience with these people, but it doesn’t have to end like this!
Steps you can take
Even if your friend… let’s say her name is Molly… gives you that abrupt call that you just have to agree to, you don’t need to.
Yes, just because she called suddenly & asked for your presence, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to her.
Even if it’s one of the most uncomfortable things you’ve ever done, you can try these steps:
1. Ask her to come to your house
A little reverse-psychology doesn’t hurt, huh?
2. “If that’s where you’re going, I don’t have a need to be there.”
Say this and if Molly persists, even if she gives — should I say it, a guilttrip noting, “But I need someone to come along!”
You can either respond with, “I’ve been coming along with all your errands, I know you have more friends to ask,” or, “I just need to take the day off alone.”
3. “I have to meet with so-&-so, & since you usually run late (just be honest), I need to be ready at that time.”
No matter how convincing Molly is, letting yourself not get dragged in at the point of the phone call is essential to, in turn, not getting dragged in down the road!
Now what if Molly has convinced you to come with her and once you’re in the car, you regret it?
You could try a few options like taking control, telling Molly:
- “I need to go here first, you can do that, right?”
- Or maybe even question her decision saying, “Are you sure that hairstyle is right for you? You come here & get it every time!”
The key is to not let Molly dictate exactly where you’re going, and you may want to try being an annoyance to her — she is violating your boundaries after all, if you’re in the car with her, what else can you do?
You’re not selfish
Even if Molly get’s annoyed & starts ratting out names like “selfish” at you, you know that you’re not the problem.
If you’re willing to join Molly to her destination, then Molly in turn should be willing to hear you out on where you want to be.
Now that’s truly unselfish.
Having a back-up plan
On Tuesday you know that you have 2 hours to tidy the house before you have to run to the store.
With those plan in mind, nothing can stop you!
Even if Molly calls at that time, you can simply turn her down because you have pre-made plans.
The goal is to know exactly what you’re going to do that day, know how much time you have for free time, and sticking with it!
Saying NO
As a past people-pleaser, I remember the days when I would go along with the crowd & not express my free mind.
When you show yourself in the friend circle as someone who doesn’t stand up, then each time you’re boundaries are tested, it’ll just be harder to do so.
Funny thing, is when I finally did stand up for my own free speech, everyone in my “friend” group gave me weird stares — so what was I doing there if they didn’t appreciate me?
So if Molly calls you & sets up plans to pick you up, you know the plan.
SAY NO.
Your time, money, & peace of mind will thank you, and not just at that moment — but well into the future!
Takeaway
Those who don’t stand up for themselves end up regretting it, even if it’s with their friends. Yes, as someone who has personally been a people-pleaser I admit — they are some of my worst regrets.
You have free will & places you want to be, too. So communicate it!
If these people are your friends, then don’t feel like you need to people-please — work with them. If what they’re doing doesn’t align with what you may need or is inconvenient, don’t hesitate to say no!
Each step you take towards standing up for your time now will add up big-time.
Image by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels