Staring down at my phone, it read something like, “Hi Olivia! How have you been.”
It has been 2 years since I’ve heard from you, why act like it was yesterday you spoke to me?
The reason I said “It read something like…” is because it hasn’t just been from 1 person, it’s been at least 5. Now, I’m not around a lot of people. Most days I’m around no people at all. However, the reason isn’t because I’m not trying- it’s because people who know me often seem to just text and go.
Why don’t you call them? Set up a visit?
These questions come in my mind, but it’s easy to brush them aside because of something I learned in middle school.
Sitting alone on the sidewalk with my back against the building, I saw L, D, A, B, and K on the other side of the short field laughing and talking away. As a 9 yr old who never liked to be around the talkative girls, instead choosing the boys who would talk of Minecraft and play tag with other another, now at 14 years old I started thinking the same thoughts as I had at 9. Even though at 12, when beginning middle school, I had decided against befriending those boys again because 1. I wanted to grow up, and 2. there was no playground set. Yes I might just be tempted to play tag as an adult… however, back to being 14 years old seeing my “friends” talking away, I decided on something: if they weren’t going to notice me, then they weren’t my friends.
Sure enough, they didn’t. Even L whom I had helped in an almost near-death experience (ok maybe not quite, but could’ve become anyhow) didn’t look my way. After that year, I started high school remotely and kept the same philosophy. Since then, I’ve only had 2 friends unlike the 7 I had back in middle school, until the day L texted me.
(I deleted the texts a long time ago so I’m going based on memory)
“Hi Olive, this is L, I got your number from E.”
“Hey L doing good…”
From that point for a few days after we discussed drawings we drew, who we were, etc. It wasn’t until we shared our very different beliefs and I had shared a realistic drawing I made that she stopped responding. I didn’t push it. However, a few years later she texted me back saying something like:
“Hi Olive”
After I asked how she was, she continued,
“I have D here and we’re having so much fun”
Now D changed her name to something else (as well as became something else), as I know since I was there during her whole transition, and I didn’t want anything to do with her. So, I did what I felt was needed, blocked L. I haven’t heard from her ever since…
While I really liked her, if she was going to press her friends whom have no good intentions, then she’s become a bad influence. So, was she really interested (noticing) me, or was it for her own self?
While L and I ghosted each other, it’s the coming back part that bothers me. Same as the intro example, when someone suddenly remembers me, what is it for? Is the intention really to catch up or because they’re the one’s needing something?
That’s why I’m fine with not being around anyone, because any associations should be to upbuild each other- not to talk just for one person’s needs at that time, and then when those needs change, they go without warning.
Takeaway
Time changes a person, “If they’re not there for your lowest, they don’t deserve to be there for your highest.” As the words from a Dhar Mann episode said.
Even if people aren’t there for me though, what I can do is to be there for them and at least try to initiate their doing so too. Kindness is contagious after all, “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must do to them.” - Bible